Communications of the ACM

practice

DOI:10.1145/2814344

Article development led by queue.acm.org

How to lose friends and alienate coworkers.
BY THOMAS A. LIMONCELLI
How
SysAdmins
Devalue
Work more than 40
hours each week.

This is the simplest, and possibly the most common, technique used by sysadmins. You can easily cut your hourly worth in half by working 80 hours each week. Start by working late one or two nights a week. Then add weekends. Soon you’ll be well on your way to a full 80 hours.

Working beyond the hours you are paid is free labor for the company. This reduces your average hourly rate. Why hire more sysadmins when you are willing to take up the slack? Overpaid CEOs say things like, “My pay is commensurate with my responsibilities.” Notice they don’t relate their pay to how many hours they work. Neither should you.

Themselves

Mock what you don’t like.

If you don’t like Microsoft, call it Mic-rosquish. Do not say open source; say “open sores.” The more you can sound like a 12-year-old, the better.

If you want to devalue yourself, throw professionalism out the door. Show your disrespect in the most childish way possible. I know one engineer who spells the operating system he doesn’t like “Windoze,” even in email messages to his co-workers and clients who use it. Way to go!

Interrupt other people.

Q : DEAR TOM: How can I devalue my work? Lately

I’ve felt like everyone appreciates me, and, in fact,

I’m overpaid and underutilized. Could you help me devalue myself at work?

A: Dear Reader: Absolutely! I know what a pain it is to lug home those big paychecks. It’s so distracting to have people constantly patting you on the back. Ouch! Plus, popularity leads to dates with famous musicians and movie stars. (Just ask someone like Taylor Swift or Leonardo DiCaprio.) Who wants that kind of distraction when there’s a perfectly good video game to be played?

Nothing says “I don’t want to be respected” like not showing respect to other people. That is why it is important not to let people finish their sentences. Once you have heard enough to know the general idea, just start barking out your reply. It shows you don’t care about what other people are saying and they will return that lack of respect to you.

Not letting people finish their sentences shows them how smart you are. Your brain is so powerful you have developed ESP. Prove it by answering their questions before they have told you what the problems are.