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Using David Bowie’s classic song “Space Oddity” as a backdrop, the unscrupulous tactics of architecture astronauts are exposed.
ProJect MaNagerS Love him, recent software engineering graduates bow to him, and he compels code warriors deep in the development trenches to wonder if a technology time warp may have passed them by. How can it be that no one else has ever proposed software development with the simplicity, innovation, and automation being trumpeted by Architect Tom? His ideas sound so space-aged, so futuristic. But why should that be so surprising? After all, Tom is an architecture astronaut! 1 You see, architecture astronauts like Tom naturally think at such high levels of innovation because they spend much of their time in high orbit where low oxygen levels counterbalance the technological shackles imposed by the inconveniences of reality.
Little did I know it at the time, but my daughter inadvertently stumbled upon several foundational tenets of architecture astronautics years ago while watching a television cartoon show called “Princess Gwenevere and the Jewel Riders.” One Saturday morning, while Gwenevere was feverishly fighting the forces of evil in the fairy-tale land of Avalon atop her beloved unicorn Sunstar, my daughter asked, “Daddy, are unicorns real?” I quickly debated the tactics to be taken to answer the question and decided that honesty and reality were going to be my guiding beacons. Unfortunately, my well-intended tactics had zero relevance in the ensuing discussion. Unicorns were real be-
cause my daughter wanted them to be and because I could offer no proof to suggest otherwise.
This seemingly innocuous exchange with my daughter, known as the “ Sunstar Impasse of 1996,” raised my awareness of a tactic that is most certainly described on page 1 of the official Architecture Astronaut Handbook. “An architecture astronaut in good standing shall exploit the impossibilities of proving nonexistence.” For example, let’s say that Architect Tom draws a picture of a spacecraft with an impressive array of dials and switches, describes its behavior with some complex yoo-mel diagrams, and then declares that the device’s remaining production effort is merely an annoying detail. How does one prove that this spacecraft cannot be built when Architect Tom says that it can? Even worse, how does one convince nontechnical people that Architect Tom’s spacecraft is heading for a fiery demise if there is a desperate reliance on his oxygen-challenged thinking to avoid controversy related to project commitments and promises?
Another foundational tenet most certainly included in the official Architecture Astronaut Handbook can be best illustrated by returning to the land of Avalon where Princess Gwenevere’s fellow Jewel Riders, Tamara and Fallon, enter the scene with their unicorns and magical enchanted jewels in tow. On the occasions when my daughter invited friends over to watch the Jewel Riders with her, it was not unusual to overhear
debate among them as to which of the Jewel Riders was the prettiest, which had the nicest unicorn, or which enchanted stone was the most desirable. Architecture astronauts similarly debate such fictional truths among themselves without the slightest concern that the foundations of their debates have no correlation with reality.
An example of an inane debate occurring between members of the Fraternal Brotherhood of Astronauts might involve one astronaut asking another, “Is it preferable to ride a unicorn or a magic carpet to work?” While the ensuing discussion would most certainly involve trading off the high costs of unicorn food versus the comfort of 200 knot-per-square-inch magic carpets, not a word would be spoken suggesting unicorns and flying carpets are make-believe. Speaking of similarly inane debate, I wonder which one of the Jewel Riders would be the most attracted to me if I were to travel to Avalon? My wife would undoubtedly suggest it would be the one clutching a white cane atop a seeing-eye unicorn.
Architecture astronauts are simple to recognize because they exhibit a number of signature qualities. One of the most prominent of those qualities is an uncanny ability to confidently speak on topics that sometimes momentarily humble even true subject-matter experts. Of course, a few probing questions are usually sufficient to expose even the most seasoned astronauts as the imposters they really
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